itsnotmymind: (Default)
I've been re-reading some old entries, and comments I made. It's interesting to try to see myself from the outside. I think we all have to have something of a pose when we post publicly online, but I worked so hard on maintaining mine that I never thought about what it looked like from the outside. I think you could tell I was angry. I think it's sort of like I had a double pose - one pose to protect myself, and another pose to hide how angry I was about having to maintain the first pose. I'm not so angry these days, at least.

I do come on too strong, sometimes. I'm aware of that in myself. I think that comes from fear, and trying too hard to cover it up.

***

In other news, I wanted talk about why I like Pam from Jessica Jones

What I like about Pam is that she's the naïve secretary and she knows it - but she thinks that knowing she's naïve means she isn't. She thinks she knows that Jeri’s a real shark. That’s why she fell for Jeri, after all. She appears to maintain control in the relationship: . When she finds out that the restaurant Jeri is taking her to was the restaurant where Jeri proposed to Wendy, she makes it clear she wants to go elsewhere. She’s the one pushing Jeri to be more badass in dealing with Wendy. . She refuses Jeri’s marriage proposal, saying she doesn’t want to get engaged until after the divorce (“I’m Catholic”). When Wendy reveals to Pam in front of Jeri some unscrupulous behavior Jeri had engaged in, Pam pretended that she had known all along, and expressed frustration at Jeri for not telling her only after Wendy has left.

Pam thinks she knows what to expect and what can can handle where Jeri is concerned. But she doesn’t. She is, in fact, the naïve secretary. She is too young. Eventually all these little things build up and there are bigger and bigger things and she has to face the truth: Jeri is not someone she can have a relationship with.
itsnotmymind: (karolina dean)
I think I approach fandom differently from many fans. I often hear people say that fandom is escapism for them. that idea is alien to me. Fandom never could be an escape for me, even if I wanted it to be. Fandom has been part of who I am - been who I am - since long before I started hanging out in the internet. Since long before I can remember. I take fandom as seriously as I do the rest of my life. Getting a livejournal and joining fandom wasn't easy for me. It was very stressful. To this day, fandom can cause me as much unhappiness as the real world, and often more. I'm not in fandom to escape from the world. I'm in fandom to process the world. Fantasy worlds have always been a way for me to deal with the real world metaphorically, indirectly. To understand it from a different angle.

I think I do fandom different from a lot of people in that regard. Fandom is not supposed to be fun for me. Fandom is supposed to be fulfilling.
itsnotmymind: (tosh)
Thought I should drop a line to let you all know that I’m taking a break from fandom. I’m currently between jobs, and I don’t think that’s a good mental state for me to be interacting with fandom. I hope you all are well.

Personal

Jan. 1st, 2015 10:56 am
itsnotmymind: (jack disappear)
I'm taking some time off from fandom for mental health reasons (again!). I hope everyone is having lots of fun. I will be back at some indeterminate time in the future.
itsnotmymind: (buffy)
I'm talking a leave of absence from fandom of indeterminate length for mental health reasons. I had a nervous breakdown/psychotic break. It's probably a once-in-a-lifetime sort of thing. I have a good support network and am making a good recovery. I'm sorry if I caused anyone any grief. I hope you all are having fun. I need some space in order to take care of myself right now.

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itsnotmymind

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