It doesn't solve anything. Just leaves everything hanging. It's awful for both sides.
I also wonder about situations where you don't give the silent treatment, but have never moved past something, and yet never bring it up. This could be malicious and very manipulative, yet it could also be trying to keep the peace, and/or avoiding a fight. This can be just as destructive, because next thing you know, you may be mad at the person over something really small when it's a much larger issue. The other person may even know they've upset you somehow, but aren't sure how to approach it.
It's tricky because I do think there are times you really can't say anything. Sometimes people we love (or at least like, in the context of casual friends, coworkers, etc.) hurt us in ways they couldn't even process if we tried explaining, so what can we do? Turn it into an argument and make everything worse? But then I think you have to work to either find some way to talk to them about it, even indirectly, or work on getting past what happened. At the very least, don't bring it with you. If you're not going to say what actually upset you, don't constantly be passive aggressive, either. That's actually worse than just bringing it up and risking an argument, because the other person will never know what they did wrong, and you'll never know if you could have a truly good relationship with them. Again, if you truly think it's pointless, then at least be nice. You decided not to bring it to the table, so don't stick it in a drawer and hope no one notices — just don't bring it to begin with.
One thing that jumped out at me from the article was that people can get away with the silent treatment without appearing abusive — this despite the fact that it is very, very affective at hurting others.
I hate that the default for ending friendships seems to be to just stop responding to a person or repeatedly claiming you're busy/whatever. Then again, while I try not to end friendships that way, I've certainly made use of the silent treatment, and have since I was very young.
As to your other point, sometimes it does seem simpler not to discuss something than to discuss it. There's times I don't want to bring an issue up with someone because I know they won't understand why I am upset, and it will just make things worse to discuss it. But it's not something I want to end the relationship over. So I just don't bring it up.
But maybe that is a bad habit of mine, and I should make more of an effort to take the risk of discussing things.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-03-29 12:09 am (UTC)I also wonder about situations where you don't give the silent treatment, but have never moved past something, and yet never bring it up. This could be malicious and very manipulative, yet it could also be trying to keep the peace, and/or avoiding a fight. This can be just as destructive, because next thing you know, you may be mad at the person over something really small when it's a much larger issue. The other person may even know they've upset you somehow, but aren't sure how to approach it.
It's tricky because I do think there are times you really can't say anything. Sometimes people we love (or at least like, in the context of casual friends, coworkers, etc.) hurt us in ways they couldn't even process if we tried explaining, so what can we do? Turn it into an argument and make everything worse? But then I think you have to work to either find some way to talk to them about it, even indirectly, or work on getting past what happened. At the very least, don't bring it with you. If you're not going to say what actually upset you, don't constantly be passive aggressive, either. That's actually worse than just bringing it up and risking an argument, because the other person will never know what they did wrong, and you'll never know if you could have a truly good relationship with them. Again, if you truly think it's pointless, then at least be nice. You decided not to bring it to the table, so don't stick it in a drawer and hope no one notices — just don't bring it to begin with.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-29 12:09 pm (UTC)I hate that the default for ending friendships seems to be to just stop responding to a person or repeatedly claiming you're busy/whatever. Then again, while I try not to end friendships that way, I've certainly made use of the silent treatment, and have since I was very young.
As to your other point, sometimes it does seem simpler not to discuss something than to discuss it. There's times I don't want to bring an issue up with someone because I know they won't understand why I am upset, and it will just make things worse to discuss it. But it's not something I want to end the relationship over. So I just don't bring it up.
But maybe that is a bad habit of mine, and I should make more of an effort to take the risk of discussing things.