Willow's Sexual Orientation
Aug. 20th, 2017 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
itsnotmymindMany fans argue that we should take Willow at her word when she says she is a lesbian and not bisexual, and that it's wrong to go against her stated opinion. It's disrespectful.
But Willow's not a real person. Willow's a fictional character, created by people who are the product of their times. In real life, it would be intrusive to speculate at length about whether Buffy really loved Angel, or Riley, or Spike. Speculating about real people can be a way to gather information about how people work - as fiction can only imitate life so much - but it's not fair to the people involved. In fiction, it's acceptable. Fictional characters are not real people.
In fact, it's more than acceptable to question how fictional characters self-identify. Fiction is a mirror of life, and trying to erase the parts of life that make us uncomfortable is not going to help anyone. It's just going to make the wrong people feel ashamed.
The reality is, it's not always a good idea to take a person's word at face value about their sexuality. Don't get me wrong, trying to tell a friend, family member, or total stranger what their sexuality "really" is would be arrogant and intrusive. But sometimes people don't feel safe outing themselves. It's not necessarily fair to put the onus on the closeted person to decide if you are a safe person to approach. Many of these people have been badly burned. Asking in an empathetic and respectful manner is not intrusive. Just remember that the person being asked gets to decide what is empathetic and respectful, not the supposedly well-intentioned asker.
Getting back to Willow: Prior to Tara's introduction, we see almost no indication that Willow is attracted to women. Willow has her long-term crush on Xander, which includes a period of time where they are unable to resist kissing, and then an eventually sexual relationship with Oz that lasts from the middle of S2 into S4. If I recall, we never see any indication that Willow is dissatisfied with the sex. I also recall mention of a crush on Giles. The only indication of attraction to women that I can recall is Doppelgangland - and that's AU Willow, not main world Willow.
Sure, it's possible that Willow was a lesbian all along, attracted exclusively to women, and all the hints are off screen. But if we take the evidence of what we see, Willow is attracted to men.
Does that mean I think Willow is bisexual? People throw around a lot of labels about sexuality. Bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual. We say sexuality is "fluid", and yet the intense debate over the right word for Willow continues. Yet, even most people who consider themselves 100% straight or gay will say they aren't attracted to everyone of their gender, and they will admit an attraction to the occasional opposite-gendered person. I'm thinking these days that the focus on gender is a distraction - some people have a gender preference, but it's not the only factor in sexual attraction. And perhaps it's not the most significant one for most people.
But Willow's not a real person. Willow's a fictional character, created by people who are the product of their times. In real life, it would be intrusive to speculate at length about whether Buffy really loved Angel, or Riley, or Spike. Speculating about real people can be a way to gather information about how people work - as fiction can only imitate life so much - but it's not fair to the people involved. In fiction, it's acceptable. Fictional characters are not real people.
In fact, it's more than acceptable to question how fictional characters self-identify. Fiction is a mirror of life, and trying to erase the parts of life that make us uncomfortable is not going to help anyone. It's just going to make the wrong people feel ashamed.
The reality is, it's not always a good idea to take a person's word at face value about their sexuality. Don't get me wrong, trying to tell a friend, family member, or total stranger what their sexuality "really" is would be arrogant and intrusive. But sometimes people don't feel safe outing themselves. It's not necessarily fair to put the onus on the closeted person to decide if you are a safe person to approach. Many of these people have been badly burned. Asking in an empathetic and respectful manner is not intrusive. Just remember that the person being asked gets to decide what is empathetic and respectful, not the supposedly well-intentioned asker.
Getting back to Willow: Prior to Tara's introduction, we see almost no indication that Willow is attracted to women. Willow has her long-term crush on Xander, which includes a period of time where they are unable to resist kissing, and then an eventually sexual relationship with Oz that lasts from the middle of S2 into S4. If I recall, we never see any indication that Willow is dissatisfied with the sex. I also recall mention of a crush on Giles. The only indication of attraction to women that I can recall is Doppelgangland - and that's AU Willow, not main world Willow.
Sure, it's possible that Willow was a lesbian all along, attracted exclusively to women, and all the hints are off screen. But if we take the evidence of what we see, Willow is attracted to men.
Does that mean I think Willow is bisexual? People throw around a lot of labels about sexuality. Bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual. We say sexuality is "fluid", and yet the intense debate over the right word for Willow continues. Yet, even most people who consider themselves 100% straight or gay will say they aren't attracted to everyone of their gender, and they will admit an attraction to the occasional opposite-gendered person. I'm thinking these days that the focus on gender is a distraction - some people have a gender preference, but it's not the only factor in sexual attraction. And perhaps it's not the most significant one for most people.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 04:06 pm (UTC)Goddamn it, I'm not desrespecting anyone by speculating about a fictional character! I think that, if BtVS was going airing these days, Willow surely would have identified herself as bisexual. She seemed really attracted and happy with Oz and her love for him doesn't change even after Tara. She didn't feel "fake" or forced to love him. So I honestly feel that bisexual will be a more fitting definition, but I'm open to other opinions.
The thing I always remember about Willow's sexuality is that she was based on Marti Noxon's mother? I'm remembering this one correctly? I remember this bit where Marti Noxon explains that, at some point, her mother "became" lesbian. And that's what they did with Willow.
Basically a straight person who didn't understand why her mother suddenly became lesbian wrote this down.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 06:36 pm (UTC)And some people in real life do go through (apparent) overnight identity changes. But in real life, I think Willow's friends would have more questions about why she was suddenly 100% gay (whether they should be asking her those questions, or not). And as fans, it's not fair to dismiss the existence of people who aren't really the identity they say they are.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 06:50 pm (UTC)In my opinion the writers only really gave Willow being gay or bi any thought after Tara's death, and felt then that the best response to the backlash would be to drop any suggestion that Willow could still be attracted to men, hence Willow declaring that she needed to turn RJ into a girl in Him to work around him having a penis, but I think that Bi Willow was very a valid possibility before season 7. She was clearly torn between Tara and Oz in season 4, and there was no suggestion that Oz was no longer her type, it was presented more as having moved on to something very new and different
And I agree about how defensive people get, for a long time now it's been a taboo subject with fans being very insistent that it's beyond disrespectful to question Willow's declared sexuality, but if we're talking about how the writers intended to portray a character, then I don't see why that's not a valid topic of discussion?
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 10:50 pm (UTC)Yeah, it wasn't until S5 that Willow started labeling herself as gay, and even then it was gay "now". Did she ever actually use the word "Lesbian" to describe herself? I don't think the writers thought through where they were going with Willow.
Totally agree with your last paragraph.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-23 05:16 am (UTC)I think it's still a valid possibility in Season 7, because Willow has to be reminded that's she's gay and it's Anya, not Willow, who comes up with the "turn him into a girl" plan:
BUFFY
Willow, you're a gay woman—and he isn't.
WILLOW
This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.
ANYA
His physical presence has a penis!
WILLOW
I can work around it!
DAWN
I need him.
ANYA
Well, you're gonna have to do better than that—I'd kill for him.
WILLOW
(scoffs) You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
BUFFY
No. Yes! Kill for him. I'm the slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh, I'll kill the principal.
ANYA
Ooh, that is hard to top.
WILLOW
Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magic.
ANYA
Yeah, right. What're you gonna do—use magic to make him into a girl? (Willow's eyes widen) Damn.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-22 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-08-23 11:21 am (UTC)If a close friend says the same thing, I'm not going to say, "No, no you are actually bisexual," but I might ask about it. And depending on the situation, I might not 100% believe them in my heart if they continue insisting they are lesbian. But I'm not going to try to force my opinion on them, either, because that's about me and not about them.
On the other hand, if I'm actually in a romantic/sexual relationship and what they say their sexual orientation is doesn't match my experience of them, I might argue with them about it.
I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to that question, because every situation and relationship is so unique.